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The Eocene Diet

Warning -- Satire -- Apr Fool's Post

65 meg years ago, a massive asteroid slammed into the Yucatan peninsula, creating a giant dust cloud that contributed to the extinction of terrestrial dinosaurs.  In the resulting re-adjustment of global ecosystems, a novel constitute tissue evolved, which paved the agency for the eventual appearance of humans: fruit.  Fruit represents a finely crafted symbiosis betwixt plants as well as animals, inwards which the constitute provides a nourishing morsel, as well as the creature disperses the plant's seeds within a parcel of rich fertilizer.

Fruit was such a powerful selective pressure level that mammals rapidly evolved to exploit it to a greater extent than effectively, developing adaptations for life inwards the woods canopy.  One resultant of this was the rapid emergence of primates, carrying physical, digestive as well as metabolic adaptations for the acquisition as well as consumption of fruit as well as leaves.  Primates also continued eating insects, a vestige of our early on mammalian heritage. 

The Eocene epoch began 55.8 meg years ago, exactly afterwards the emergence of primates.  For most of the fourth dimension betwixt the kickoff of the Eocene as well as today, our ancestors ate the archetypal primate diet of fruit, leaves as well as insects, exactly equally most primates create today. 

In contrast, the Paleolithic era, marked past times the evolution of rock tools as well as a dietary shift toward meat as well as cooked starches, began alone 2.6 meg years ago.  The Paleolithic era represents alone five pct of the fourth dimension that shaped our primate genome-- 95 pct of primate evolutionary history occurred prior to the Paleolithic.  The Neolithic period, since humans domesticated plants roughly 10,000 years ago, accounts for alone 0.02 percent.

Therefore, nosotros are non good adapted to eating grains, legumes as well as dairy, as well as nosotros aren't good adapted to eating meat as well as starch either.  Our true, deepest evolutionary adaptations are to the foods that sustained our primate ancestors for the tens of millions of years prior to the Paleolithic.  That's why I designed the Eocene Diet (TM). 

The Eocene Diet is easy.  You only swallow these iii foods:
  • Raw fruit
  • Raw leaves (no dressing!)
  • Live insects
Once a week, you lot also teach to swallow a 2 ounce component of raw meat or liver, to mimic the occasional meat consumption of chimpanzees as well as other primates.  
Here's a photograph of a sample meal:

Fruit as well as leaves are tardily to find, but what nigh insects?  With a niggling practice, you'll run into that they're tardily to discovery too, oftentimes for free.  Here are around tips:
  • Pet stores.  They ordinarily sell crickets as well as mealworms.
  • Look nether rotting logs.
  • Find a long, flexible stalk as well as stick it into a termite mound.  Termites volition catch onto it as well as you lot tin plow over the axe swallow them off the stem. 
How good does the Eocene Diet work?  Here's a photograph of WHS reader Cristina B. afterwards alone iii weeks on the diet:

She looks pleased.

Apr Fools!


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